I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
My legs feel like baby dolphins
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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