I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
