i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
