I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
