Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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