What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
