508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
