So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
