life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
