it was like eating out sand paper
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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