I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
