I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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