Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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