you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
