Just fell off a train. Bad.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize