I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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