Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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