You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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