So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
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