Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
