i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Blood and glitter go together right?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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