There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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