I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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