Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I could make wine with my vomit
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
