Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
