By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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