Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
