You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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