I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
