This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
