She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
