and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
