it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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