Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
COCAINE IS GR8
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
