I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
