its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
