You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
