this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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