I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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