i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
