based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
