I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Is it penis luge time yet?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
