I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
