Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
