i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
