if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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