If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
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