i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
