how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
