If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Rumble strips road head = magical
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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