barbara walters just said penis...
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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