so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I've blown a few things in my day
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
