I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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