just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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