no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
