i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
