i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
We were destined to go to rehab together
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
