Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize