Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
