You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Please don't give away my fajitas
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
