I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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