dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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