funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
