just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
