i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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