If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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