i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
