If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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